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Beat Conditioning and Build a Happier Life

In the past I have stressed the importance of living in the moment and not focusing on things that have already occurred. The exception, however, is when you do healing work as discussed in Anger Work, a book about releasing your anger and then channeling it in positive ways. Anger work helps you examine your past to work out negative experiences. Looking at the past can help you overcome the undesirable behavior in your life and build a happier one.

Human growth and development theory has shown that two things determine people’s looks and behavior. In other words, the kind of person you have become in the present, as well as how you are living your life, are based on two things. Psychologists usually shorten this idea into a phrase, “nature vs. nurture.” Nature means that the genes that we have inherited from our ancestors determine things like our hair and eye color, how tall or short we are, and perhaps some behavioral traits.

The second factor, nurture, also known as conditioning, refers to the way you were brought up and influenced by your parents and other people in your life. In addition are the things you experienced—things that happened to you, including both good things as well as traumas. I believe that conditioning is far more relevant in determining our behavior than genetics. In fact I believe that up to 80% of the way we act is established by our conditioning. And that is good news! It means that if we work to heal, we can make our lives better. We don’t have to be helpless by being stuck in patterns of behavior we can’t control. So if you think your bad temper is due to your father’s, indeed you might have learned that from him, but through working through your old experiences, you can learn to express yourself in more positive ways. Unlearning behaviors is not easy, however, because conditioning does run deep. It will take work!

Think about your family background. Was your mother a quiet person? Are you? How did your parents view money and possessions? Did you come from a wealthy or an impoverished family? Were your parents religious? Was that a big part of your family’s life? Was education important in your home? How about music? Did your parents play instruments? Do you? By understanding your past and knowing how you were raised, you will be able to make effective and lasting changes in yourself. You can work on changing the things about yourself that harm your life and grow into a lifestyle that will help you and the people around you live in peace. You can get rid of the habits and characteristics that you don’t like, and keep the positive things that you do.

Many people don’t want to deal with their past, particularly when they have lived through painful, traumatic experiences. But if you want to live a fulfilling, joyous life, you must address it. Not addressing the past is like stepping on a rusty nail and covering it with a Band-aid. If you don’t clean it out properly, it will get infected. And if the wound is serious enough, it will fester to the point where it compromises the health of your entire body.

Emotions work the same way. You may think that your old emotional wounds no longer have an impact on you, but unfortunately they can scar your whole life unless you acknowledge and heal them. These negative experiences could lead to bad habits that end up having profound effects on you.

Here’s an example: What if your parents were alcoholics and your childhood was marred by bad experiences involving their drinking. Perhaps you have already worked out the difficulties you experienced growing up in that environment. You’re not attracted to alcohol, and you’re not trying to find a mate who is an alcoholic. But because of your upbringing, you may still be conditioned to meet people at bars or clubs.

To change your conditioned pattern of socializing in places where alcohol is served, I suggest that you go to other places, like spiritual centers or churches, to meet people. You could also join community volunteer organizations or the Audubon Society or Sierra Club. You might go camping or on hikes or spend your Saturdays helping with environmental clean-ups. If you love nature or some other peaceful community activity, you can find people like yourself. Meeting different kinds of people in healthier places is an important way to change your old conditioning and reprogram your mind and spirit.

Another way you can begin to beat your conditioning is to bring new people into your life. You don’t have to disassociate yourself from everyone you know. But instead of seeing the same people you’ve entertained consistently for years, get to know new people who aren’t used to seeing you in your old environments. Find new social outlets. If you have more contact with new people, you will have opportunities to change the old patterns and replace them with newer, healthier ones.

By working to overcome the old conditioned patterns, you can live a happier, more joyous life.



Dr.Robert Puff expertise covers stress and anger management, parenting, relationships, depression & healing from past traumas. As a therapist, he has a holistic approach to psychological issues. Visit www.DoctorPuff.com for more info.

What NOT to Do When Doing Anger Work

I once worked with a family in which the man, Fred, had just found out that he didn’t get the promotion he had applied for. What’s more, his supervisor had criticized his work as sloppy and said that he would never get moved up if he kept working that way. He got home to his wife and daughter and started yelling about what a *#@~! his boss was, and started punching the walls and furniture. While he was enjoying the cathartic experience of releasing his anger, his family was having quite a different experience.

This kind of uncontrolled outburst is just that--it IS NOT ANGER WORK. Fred’s five year old daughter, who was too young to understand what was happening, was very frightened by the experience. She felt that something terrible had happened to change her daddy, and was worried about whether he was going to be okay. She was also afraid that in his anger he might “forget” and accidentally hurt her or her mom.

Remember, when children get a cut they are sincerely afraid they might bleed to death. They have not learned a sense of perspective yet, and a parent’s rage can be terrifying for
Them, even if it is not directed at them. Fred’s wife, Cheryl told me that she too was afraid. She was worried about the effect this display might have on her daughter. She was also afraid that Fred might destroy something of value.

When he had finished “venting,” her fear quickly turned to anger as she realized that he had indeed left a large dent in one of the kitchen cabinets, and a ceramic collectible lay broken on the floor. Fred had reason to be mad. It was a good idea for him to express that anger rather than keep it all bottled-up inside, but it was not a good idea to express it in the way that he did, and especially not at the cost of frightening his daughter. He went about it all wrong. It is not okay to roam around the house smashing things that are of value to yourself or others. It was not fair for Cheryl and their daughter to have to live with a damaged kitchen cabinet daily reminding them of this outburst. Nor would it be fair for the family to have to go to the expense of replacing it. By breaking the ceramic figurine he destroyed something of sentimental value to his wife, and in so doing he hurt her.

Fred came home from work that day needing to vent his anger and then receive the support of his family. Instead, his choices brought him the exact opposite of what he needed. When he was done, he felt worse than he had before. Now he not only felt like a bad employee, but a bad father and husband as well. Cheryl, whom he could normally rely upon for sympathy and encouragement, didn’t even want to talk to him. He made a bad day even worse for himself.




To get help with anger work visit www.DoctorPuff.com for more info. Dr.Robert Puff expertise covers stress and anger management, parenting, relationships, depression & healing from past traumas. As a therapist, he has a holistic approach to psychological issues.

Money Talk With Your Teen

Money Talk With Your Teen
By Norbert_Georget

Teaching your teen to be responsible with money can be a challenge. Most of the parents I talk are frustrated because they do not feel that their teens understand the value of money - or how hard it is to earn.

You can teach your teen to be responsible with money, though, by taking a very simple approach: let them have some, let them choose how to spend and save it, and help them understand banking choices. Given the economic crises that continue to happen, this is a skill that can serve your teen throughout life.

Purchasing Power

The first way to help your teen understand how to be smart with money is to talk to them about the value of what they purchase. Take them shopping with you when they are young. Let them help you determine what is a good buy and what is not. Show them how to shop by comparing the price per unit instead of just the total price. Help them recognize marketing ploys that are intended to part them from their cash.

Give your teens an allowance or let them earn money doing chores, odd jobs, or having a part time job. Teach them to save a portion of what you give them and let them spend some. Allow them to make decisions about what they spend, even bad decisions. They will learn quickly what buyer's remorse feels like and become more selective with what they buy.

Teen Checking and Savings Accounts

Your bank should offer some sort of free checking or savings account or student checking or savings account that you can help you teen open. Having a bank account is one of the best ways to help arm your teen with the money knowledge he or she needs to get through life. Help your teen learn how to balance the bank statement, and teach him or her about the different kinds of accounts there are available. Even if your teen only adds $25 a month to a savings account, they can have $300 plus interest at the end of a year.

Teens and Credit

While credit rules continue to change, college age teens are heavily marketed by credit card companies and often get way over their head with debt. As well, teens often must take loans in order to fund their education, particularly in the Canada and the U.S. Help your teen develop good money habits and establish a good credit rating with a credit card. Teach them to use the credit card but pay it off each month. Help them shop for the right credit card with the best interest rate and terms to give them habits that will serve them well throughout life.

Your teen will benefit from having spending and saving, so the more exposure you can give them to things like grocery shopping, decision making with large purchases, and banking will provide them with the necessary skills to manage effectively throughout life. Start talking to your teen about money early - it is an investment that will pay huge dividends.

Norbert Georget is an accomplished professional speaker, teen motivator, parenting expert and author of the book, No-Nonsense Parenting For Today's Teenager - How To Feel Like A Good Parent Even When Your Teenager Hates You. You may get a FREE REPORT called No-Nonsense Parenting for the Disrespectful Teenager. All the answers you'll need to deal with your disrespectful teenager.

Why Giving Your Child Everything Will Hurt Them in the Job Market

Why Giving Your Child Everything Will Hurt Them in the Job Market
By William Rigby

In todays world parents give their kids just about everything. That is, If the parents can afford it.

They need money, mom or dad gives it to them. If they need gas for their car, mom or dad whips out the gas credit card and sends them on their way. Car insurance? Yep, mom and dad just pay it for them. Of course they will need a car too for all this other stuff. Need a car? Sure says the parents and wala, they have a car.

What are you teaching your children by giving them everything they want?

What you are teaching them is to be dependent on someone else or other people for all their needs. Just like todays government is doing. There's a direct connection there too but that is a story for another day.

What happens when the kids actually have to go out and get a job for themselves, pay their own bills and provide the essentials for themselves? They are at a huge disadvantage.

Kids raised by parents who provide everything for them have no clue on how to ask for what they want in the real world. This being a direct effect by expecting someone else to take care of them.

When they go on job interviews, instead of saying that they want the job, they just assume it is going to be provided for them. A child that has had to pay his own stuff, make his own decisions about what he really needs and spends his or her own money on, will actually ask for the job. Who do think is going to get it? The one who wants it! Or the one who thinks that it is owed to them.

Don't let your kid grow up thinking that they are owed anything. Let them make their own decisions. Earn their own money. If they want to save money on things like discount basketball shoes head on over to http://www.discountbasketballshoes.org/.

Three Reasons Why Your Kids Should Play Outside

3 Reasons Why Your Kids Should Play Outside
By Dorthy T. Weatherbush

Growing up as a kid, some of the most memorable moments of my life took place playing outside with friends. Long before computer games for 3-D virtual reality alternative worlds, my friends and I would run the streets with balls, sticks or slingshots in hand. There was no such thing as a Nintendo DS or a portable Mp3 player. Nope, we had each other and the great outdoors.

Today as I raise my own children I see a shift from wanting to go outside to remaining inside. Gone are the days when your children would come running into the house with a scrape or bruise. Now they come running because they have advanced carpal tunnel from playing video games or texting too much. Despite this shift, as a parent, you do have a say so in what activities in which your kids are involved and I suggest to you today that playing outside with others should be high on your list. Don't let sports like football, baseball and kickball become obsolete. Why you may ask, here are 3 clear reasons.

Better Social Skills This one seems obvious right but often many parents underestimate the power of this benefit. The more face to face time a child has with peers and other children of varying ages, the better able they are to relate to others in every other facet of life. They will respond to their siblings and you as parents in a much more mature way. Soon your kids will learn that it is not just about their ideas and their feelings but often times your personal agenda must compromise for the group's sake.

Better Physical Fitness Running jumping and playing is good for everyone but even more so for a growing child. As your child's muscles and organs begin to grow and develop, it is essential that they participate in physical activities to grow stronger, more flexible and coordinated. Recent studies have shown that there is a significant increase in the diagnoses of Type II Diabetes in children. Regular exercise can decrease the risk of this type of diagnoses by more than 35%.

Better Grades When reading an article about physical fitness, the last thing you expect to hear is that letting your kids play and have fun will positively affect their grades. In fact many people have been led to believe that the opposite is true. That is to say that if you force the child to study more than they play, the better they will do in school. This could not be further from the truth. When children are allowed to release their natural energy in a constructive way, it does two things. First, it increases blood and oxygen flow to the brain. Secondly, it allows them to focus without distraction on their studies because playing outside now becomes a reward they look forward to, even more than the video games.

As we move into the digital information age, let us not forget the lessons learned from our childhood. A little a sweat and blood will not hurt our children in the long run in fact, it will actually help.

Dorthy Weatherbush has children and has always emphasized the importance of playing outside and getting plenty of exercise. In fact, her oldest son rather enjoys riding his Nashbar bike. But she did make sure to get him a helmet for to go with his Nashbar bike just for safety purposes.

Seven Ways You Can Annoy Your Child's Kindergarten Teacher

Seven Ways You Can Annoy Your Child's Kindergarten Teacher
By Julie L. Johnson

A common fault among parents is your persistent way of annoying or pestering your child's kindergarten teacher. Now if you have been doing this unconsciously, you better stop, for it will cause animosity between you and your child's teacher. And you will be the stumbling block of your child's happy years in school. Here are seven ways you can annoy your child's kindergarten teacher.

Your child reports about his teacher's mistake in school. This will send you rushing to the principal's office. You have not even studied objectively what it was all about and believe everything from your child's immature point of view. Talk to the teacher!

You dislike the comments your child's teacher wrote on his class work. You approach the teacher and tell her to write a better evaluation of your son's work.

You compare your child's rating with the other children's and complain that the teacher is grading unfairly and showing favoritism.

You constantly gripe about the way the teacher treats your child. That he is not given importance in class, no star for his work or not given the lead role in the class play.

You defend your child's negative behavior, blaming the teacher as the instigator of it all.

You pry in the manner the teacher instructs and you tell her or write her how she can improve her teaching skills.

You believe that your side is always right. You close your ears to the opinion and statement on the side of the professional educator.

This negative behavior is an impediment to your child's success in school. Your child's teacher and you cherish the same goal: the proper development and success of your child. Each of you must respect the role of the other.

Your role as a parent is vital because you are your child's first teacher. Do not take this role lightly. If you do your role well, the teacher will have no problem in supplementing this development. The role of the teacher is to look after your child's academic development and supplement your teaching. Just as teachers do not meddle in parental duties, parents must not interfere in the work of the teacher. The two of you together will accomplish what is the best for your child.

So now knowing the seven ways you can annoy your child's kindergarten teacher, hopefully you will avoid them. This is for your child's own good.

JJ's Kinder Plus Blog: http://www.jjkinderplus.com

Potty Training Advice

I think that every child is different in the timing and manner in which they get potty trained except in two areas - their desire to learn and their choice of reward.

Every child has particular needs and wants. Most children however have a strong desire to fit in with other children. This is one desire that motivates children to learn new things on their own. As parents, we should try to encourage a positive peer pressure on children to teach them how to use the potty. It can start with showing them how you use the bathroom. Explain to them what the toilet is for, how to use toilet paper, and how to wash their hands afterwards. If it is like a new game they may be more inclined to learn.

However, that isn't enough for some children. But if they have friends or siblings that can already use the potty, they may me inclined to mimic that "big boy" or "big girl" behavior as they witness it. Never underestimate the power of positive peer pressure, but try not to be negative about their behavior. Always get excited about what they do that you like! And simply ignore, or just don't accentuate, what they do that is not the desired result. Be very careful not to berate children or demean them in any way - that will just make them feel bad and lengthen the time it takes to teach them. Telling a child "NO!" or frustrating yourself by emphasizing the negative actions will also just confuse them and turn them off to learning what you are trying to teach.

Just as a positive approach can change behavior, so can rewarding their positive behavior. In my child's case, he had a particular affinity to cherry flavored ices from the freezer. At first, we simply gave them to him when he asked, but when we wanted him to use the potty, we simply changed the criteria for obtaining the cherry flavored happiness he loved so much. He already had the desire for the ices, so we just told him that if he wanted the treat, he would have to use the toilet. So whenever he used the potty, we rewarded him with the ice. We never gave them to him at any other time, and we never failed to give it to him when he used the potty. You must be consistent with the reward for the particular behavior you are trying to teach or else, again, the child will get confused and he or she will just not learn.

Potty Training Advice
By George Halt

Is homework really necessary?

Homework is a subject of contention for many parents and the cause of conflict in many homes.

Here are 2 excellent articles on how to reduce the daily homeowrk battles that I have found to be particularly helpful. Implementing the advice in the articles has certainly reduced the homework battles in our home from a world war to an occassional skirmish.

Homework Hell? Part I: How to Turn It Around

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?"Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior

Kids Whose Brains are Wired Differently Can Succeed Socially & Academically

An excellent program for kids with ADHD is called Total Focus which is a step-by-step program to help improve your child's focus and behavior at school and at home and it comes with a 30 day free trial.

Taking Stock of Our Personal Relationships

I agree with you. The people arund you have a great impact on you.

Some people can suck the life and energy right out of you. I have found 2 books to be very useful when dealing with these types of people.

Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

and
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Verbal Self-Defense